Sexuality For Singles (Part D)

Adolescence 3 / Young Adulthood (v2)

So we have spent the last couple of articles talking about the adolescent phase of human sexuality and how that is an important phase of sexual development for young people as they need the development of not just their physical bodies, but also their sexual organs, or reproductive systems. In singleness, of course, the reproductive aspect of these systems is not being utilised. However, in marriage, the reproductive aspect is also not being utilised, and it then becomes a question of the other purposes of a person’s sexual organs outside of reproduction, and how this can be realised in singleness while maintaining sexual purity and a personal Christian faith.

In a marriage the sharing of each other’s physical bodies is an act of physical and spiritual intimacy that also involves God. In singleness, aside from the involvement of God in one’s everyday life, essentially one is sharing one’s body with oneself. In other words, the act of masturbation for a single person is a means of sexual expression and fulfilment because they don’t have another person in their life to share that physical intimacy with. Religious legalists and conservatives often charge that masturbation is purely a selfish act of physical pleasure and cannot be compared in any way with the act of sexual intercourse between a husband and a wife in holy matrimony. It is true that masturbation cannot be the same as sexual intercourse because it only involves one person, but in that act, the person is learning how to be intimate with his or her self. In the act of sexual intercourse between two people, each of these people is learning about what makes the other person tick at the time when they are sharing their bodies together in bed, and that is what constitutes physical intimacy between two marriage partners. Sexual intercourse between two marriage partners can also be a selfish act of physical pleasure for both of those people. So while masturbation could be purely about physical pleasure in a selfish way, it can also be a time where that person who is masturbating is learning how to be sexually fulfilled in the time of singleness and be prepared for being sexually fulfilled in a future marriage.

We’ve entitled this part both about adolescence and young adulthood because today’s focus is on the development of sexual maturity for a young person that will usually parallel the development of physical maturity. At the beginning of their adolescence they will have only the immature knowledge that their bodies need this physical pleasure through touching themselves and that will be about all they will be focusing on to start with. For the larger percentage who do not have a Christian faith, masturbation will end up having a sinful focus as it becomes consumed in sexual lust, adultery and pornography. However, for a godly teenage girl or boy, staying focused on the principles of their faith will eventually see masturbation become more about an awareness of sexual fulfilment of their physical bodies, in particular their sexual organs. It is important that this becomes a key focus of masturbation for singles as they need to be focused on something during masturbation and it absolutely cannot be another person because that would bring sexual sin (idolatry or adultery) into the situation. Sexual fulfilment is a Godly blessing for Christians to be able to achieve and when a single Christian young woman or young man is achieving sexual fulfilment in a godly way, which may encompass other activities apart from masturbation, they are worshipping their creator. Masturbation is an act of sexual fulfilment for a single person because it is a recognition that their sexual organs are designed, amongst other things, to produce pleasure when physically touched or caressed, which eventually leads to an orgasm. In the act of masturbation, the goal is not solely the achievement of that pleasure, but the recognition that the pleasure is the reward received for achieving the orgasm, which is the primary means of sexual fulfilment for a single person. It is important for a Christian single person to focus masturbation in the context of achieving this sexual fulfilment on the assumption that it is a legitimate godly desire of their personal life and that it is an expression of their sexuality that is wholly in accordance with the way they were created by God and are expressing their love for Him in acts of worship.

What is an important aspect of adolescence for both males and females is how masturbation can contribute to their sexual development. We believe that masturbation is a very natural and normal thing for either a boy or a girl to discover during adolescence, and that it should be supported and encouraged for Christian adolescent boys and girls to masturbate as much as they need to in order to learn about the sexual aspects of their bodies during the time of puberty when there are such major changes taking place in their bodies. The important focuses for both Christian boys and girls at adolescence that should be emphasised in sex education by their parents is that masturbation is healthy and can be used within a framework of godly boundaries to make a positive contribution to a life of faith and maturing into a faithful Christian adult whose life is deeply pleasing to God and is suited for acts of service in life whether married or single in adulthood. Therefore there can be more to masturbation for Christian boys or girls during puberty than just physical pleasure, but as mentioned elsewhere, with limited understanding of sexuality early in adolescence, physical pleasure will tend to be a predominant factor, whereas as adolescence progresses, especially with the influence of ongoing Christian faith, the knowledge of a godly purpose of sexual development will become more important.

A very important aspect of sexual development for girls or women in particular is related to our changing theology that has tended to follow the development of gender roles in society. There is still so much condemnation of females inherent in complementarian theology practised in many churches. Christian egalitarianism has made inroads into much of this, but is still only recognised by a small number of larger churches, and has as yet no counterpart to purity culture (“True Love Waits”, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” and other moralising publications and programmes that urge women to repress their physical desires and portray them as sexual objects for godly men to possess and use). The best thing that could come out of our work is that we have produced an egalitarian counter-culture to the damaging puritianism. We do want to state at this juncture that we believe women and girls are in the same position as men and boys in being able to make their own decisions about when, how and how often to masturbate, as a personal matter between them and God, or between them, a spouse and God. Women do have a greater range of physical means of stimulation of their genitals compared to men, as well as being able to orgasm multiple times in a single masturbation session, and have a shorter refractory time between multiple masturbation sessions. No adolescent or adult woman should feel condemned in any way, for negative implications or suggestions such as that she is too young to be masturbating, that she masturbates at a high frequency, that she prefers to insert a toy or fingers into her vagina, or that she uses both hands to stimulate her vulva, or likes to suck on her own nipples. We believe none of these issues are inherently linked to sinfulness; we only suggest that men or women who masturbate read the list of gotchas in Part B of our Masturbation For Christians 101 Series. For any Christian adolescent or adult women, masturbation need only be focused on godliness and personal devotion to God to be in support of a lifestyle of sexual purity.

Sexuality for Singles (Part F)

Adulthood 2: Marital Development (v3)

This part refers to the process by which a single Christian man and a single Christian women build an intimate relationship that becomes a marriage. Sexuality is obviously greatly involved in that process, and a very important aspect of it is for the guy and gal to continue to remain sexually pure throughout that process whilst dealing appropriately with their feelings and desire for each other. Another aspect to this part of the series is to provide a female equivalent to the detailed description of masturbation as males use it in Part E of the series.

As with other stages of singleness, masturbation is an appropriate tool when practised solo by both prospective marriage partners (when they are alone, not when they are together). It is most certainly beneficial for each partner to use masturbation to deal with the sexual desire and emotions they experience before or after spending time together. Each masturbation session is also a good time to pray about the other partner and their adherence to healthy processes of relationship building.

It is highly likely the male and female marriage partners during their time of courtship will find they need to masturbate more frequently than in previous times and this increase is completely healthy as long as the focus of masturbation remains rooted in an act of worship to Almighty God. For example each partner may need to masturbate both before and after each time they spend together. In addition, due to their personal focus in life overall reorienting to include the other person, they are likely to also need to masturbate at other times during the day as well, when thinking of the other for example. Masturbation is the means by which the sexual attraction which is developing in the future marriage is able to be managed and resolved during the courtship time. enabling sexual purity to be maintained during this period. There should be open discussion between the partners about the use of masturbation during the pre-marital era of their relationship purely in the interests of being open and honest with each other.

In Part E we wrote about the importance of a male in particular using masturbation in order to control and focus his sexuality in a disciplined, God-honouring and woman-respecting way. We’re going to expand that a little here with more insight that we received lately about how this can be achieved in the context of male sexuality. As we in general are aware, male and female sexuality are distinctly different, due to the basic bodily design factors coming into play, and consequently males have differing sexual objectives from females. This may also reflect in the fact that we are perceiving, through our work, that there are relatively few Christian married men who masturbate, compared to a greater proportion of Christian married women who do. This may be an indication of the different reasons that Christian men and women masturbate and the focuses they have for masturbation. In singleness, we would guess there are about equal proportions of Christian men and women who masturbate. We use this point to advocate that it is entirely valid for married Christian men to masturbate regularly and that as more single men come to understand the benefits and blessings of masturbation, they may choose to carry over regular masturbation into their subsequent married life, thus creating additional blessing for their families. However, we also understand that married Christian men may choose to restrain from masturbating in order to maximise their physical performance during intercourse with their wives, whereas wives’ own experience is that their own use of masturbation prior to a session of intercourse may actually enhance it. This is possibly due to the suggestion that women tend to need sex less when they have a lower frequency of it; masturbation can have the impact of increasing a woman’s sex drive.

For a Christian woman, whether single or married, the physical factors that contribute to and impact upon her desire for sexual pleasure, whilst entirely valid, are somewhat different than for a male. Women tend to be more focused on the appearance of their physical bodies as a whole, rather than just their genitalia, and are constantly pressured in the appearance of key body parts that are highly sexualised by men in society. The woman’s breasts are important to this as are her buttocks and thighs. As large, more desirable breasts are naturally less common in many Western societies (female breasts tend to be larger in some countries like the US, UK and Eastern Europe for a variety of reasons, including increased incidence of obesity, and use of growth hormones and chemical pollution with hormone-inducing substances), the focus can often be shifted more onto buttocks and thighs, of which the male perception of desirability is generally related within a certain size range (allegedly similar to a 66 cm waist and 86 cm hips) and where larger sizes are supposedly unattractive. In addition to this, most women are inclined to feel  that the pressures placed upon them by men to be physically attractive in these key areas of their bodies amount to a physical violation of their personal space. We submit, then, that masturbation is as important to women, especially single women, as it is to men, but for slightly different reasons. Women also experience physical pressures within their bodies to masturbate and have the pressures from society that are somewhat similar to those that men have. However a key aspect to be resolved for a woman during a time of masturbation is that she is able to feel beautiful about her body and the key source of physical affirmation during a masturbation session is less related to the size or physical engorgement of her genital members and more related to the amount of pleasure she can obtain from touching the most physically prominent and sexualised external parts of her body in addition to direct genital stimulation. Thus it is important for a godly woman to be able to masturbate in order to feel beautiful and sexually attractive, and to reclaim her body for herself after enduring the daily battle to maintain the ownership of her personal space that is constantly being impinged upon by horny males. This imperative is just about as important for married Christian women as it is for singles. The physiology of sexual arousal and orgasm for women is similar to that of men except for the physical appearance of genitals, and the ability of women to experience multiple orgasms with very short refractory periods.

Both Christian single men and women who masturbate are seeking the same sexual validation of their bodies as married men and women, except that for singles, they do not have the added range of sexual fulfilment options that are available in families due to the different purposes for which sexual organs can be utilised. Both men and women should use masturbation as a worshipful act in which they have a sense of God’s blessing and favour upon them during the act. The act of masturbation as a part of godly sexuality for a male or female is as innate as sexual intercourse for a marriage couple, and husbands and wives can choose to masturbate together as a type of intercourse they can share. Masturbation can also be practised by either partner within a marriage to relieve sexual pressures and tensions when one partner has a different level of sex drive, when partners are temporarily separate, when the wife is pregnant or in the post natal recovery period, or the partners are otherwise unavailable to each other. Our experiences suggest that Christian men and women having a sense of the favour and blessing of God during masturbation sessions experience increased sexual arousal and pleasure in the session. This can in turn be positively correlated with a higher daily frequency of masturbation. As we noted previously the frequency of masturbation is a personal conviction to be arrived at in a time of devotion and hearing from God, but we have observed that Christians who have a more positive view of masturbation and find it highly beneficial to their spiritual life and faith are more likely to seek out a higher frequency. Since masturbation is the sole sexual fulfilment opportunity that single Christian males or females have, achieving a high frequency is one of the most obvious ways in which such a man or woman is able to increase their sense of physical validation of their body

Sexuality For Singles (Part E)

Adulthood 1 (v4)

Adulthood is normally assumed to be a stage of sexual maturity for people. For the majority of single people, upon reaching adulthood they will be in a position to develop a godly relationship and move into marriage within a few years. For some they will experience ongoing singleness and may not marry until their 30s or possibly even longer, while for a small proportion they may remain single for their entire life. Whichever situation applies to any one person, the time in which they remain single is the period in which as a Christian believer it is essential to maintain godly character and sexual purity. As we have noted in our previous posts the period in which they remain single is a very important part of developing their sexuality, relational and sexual maturity, and for some people they may need a longer period than adolescent to complete this development, whilst for others it may never be complete.

Part D of this series referred to sexual fulfilment through masturbation. For this series of articles we are specifically referring to the degree of sexual fulfilment that is possible for a single person. Married partners may use masturbation within the marriage to achieve sexual fulfilment in the context of the marriage but this is obviously different from the sexual fulfilment that a single person can achieve. The context of sexual fulfilment possible to a single Christian will necessarily be limited to what they can achieve with their sexual organs directly in relation only to themselves and to God, since no other person can be involved in it. We believe that sexual fulfilment can be found in the idea that for a single person, orgasm can be viewed as a worshipful act. Thus, having an orgasm constitutes sexual fulfilment for a single, godly believer. For a married couple, it is their ability to share in the process of helping each other to reach orgasm that creates the additional forms of fulfilment, such as sexual intimacy and building relationships and families.

Another important aspect of sexual fulfilment that relates to masturbation and is especially very important for a male is the sexual development aspect. Stereotypical male sexuality as expressed in society and especially perpetuated in much pornographic material and also in the complementarian church theology portrays a male as having uncontrollable sexual urges that the female population are expected to offer their bodies to satisfy without restraint or question. In other words unflattering stereotypical male sexual characteristics such as unrestrained libido and lust are the responsibility of women to solve by making their bodies available without question or complaint. Christian egalitarianism has challenged the theological aspect and our practical implementation of its principles see men responsible for restraining and disciplining their sex drive to honour and respect women, including their wives if they are married, and seeking alternative outlets for the testosterone driven pressures in their bodies. Masturbation is the option for a godly man to release the pressure through orgasm and only when undertaken in holy submission to God. The view we have recently developed is that times when a Christian man is masturbating is a time, not just to focus on sexual fulfilment through orgasm, but also sexual fulfilment through having controlled and disciplined their sex drive to be submitted to and focused on God. A masturbation session then becomes a sexual discipline / training session for the man of God to recommit himself to honouring God and people around him with his sexuality. In that sense, orgasm isn’t the key objective of sexual fulfilment in a masturbation session; sexual fulfilment is achieved for the man of God through having redirected his focus from using a woman’s body to reach orgasm, to using masturbation to the same ends.

We believe that just as men and women have different views of sex, they also understandably have different views of masturbation; men tend to have a physical view and women have an emotional view. A male view of sexuality in relation to himself tends to focus on the physical aspects of his genitals, which are the main area of his body that is relevant to his sexuality. Males tend to focus majorly on their perception of their sexual prowess through factors such as the size of their penis, the visual satisfaction of a strong erection, and the strength and volume of an ejaculation. Single Christian males, especially adolescents who have enforced celibacy for a period of several years, being unable to express their sexuality through intercourse with a wife, need to use masturbation to feel sexually fulfilled. We have therefore arrived at the conclusion that masturbation is a very important part of the sexual development of a Christian man and can be blessed by God when the focus of the use of masturbation is upon a godly purpose, such as preparing for a life of service in adulthood than can include serving a wife and family.

Masturbation for a Christian adolescent or adult male is much the same physically as it is for other men, although the purpose is different. We advocate that Christian men are free to choose the frequency of masturbation in their own personal devotion with God, and that potentially it should be with a range from weekly to several times daily, depending on each man’s sex drive and the time he has available. This is no different in reality from the frequency range at which Christian couples undertake sexual intercourse and it is a matter to be resolved between them and God. The important factor is that no single male should feel there is any particular condemnation obstructing him from choosing the appropriate time(s) each day that he may wish to masturbate. The main challenges to be overcome are to eliminate all sexual sin from being used alongside masturbation, such as lust and idolatry. We believe it is important to acknowledge sexual pressures placed upon males by their own bodies and by things going on around them in the world, and that masturbation according to godly principles provides single men with the necessary sexual fulfilment, development and purity that they need in their lives in order to live godly lives and aspire to leadership in the Christian communities in which they live and serve. The Church’s failure to acknowledge these issues is undoubtedly the reason why large percentages of both Christian men and women are now becoming porn users and addicts, and without the ability for masturbating men and women who are involved in sexual sin to have a physical sexual fulfilment that takes the sin out of the picture, recovery from these sexual addictions and the moral/mind pollution caused by pornography is extremely difficult to achieve.

The process of masturbation for a male begins with the familiar tight feeling in his pants, which he responds to by extracting his genitals from within his clothing, and then he begins the cycle by using his hand to provide the required level of stimulation. This initial stage in which a man reaches a state of physical erection is an extremely satisfying time for him as part of his physical perception is around the power of his member to attain and maintain a strong erection. The following period of stroking his member to increase sexual excitement is the most satisfying part of the masturbation cycle as it is the longest phase, it usually taking a minimum of 5-10 minutes to reach a peak of sexual excitement, and this aspect of the cycle can be highly visual as well as sensual, with the male able to use his entire hand to enclose his erect member and therefore increase physical pressure over a larger area of it. Most males will gain considerable sexual satisfaction from the observation that their member fits neatly within their hand and responds well to continued stroking over a period of time. The onset of orgasm can be delayed by extending the stroking period considerably or temporarily ceasing it each time climax is about to occur; this is known as “edging” and typically produces a much greater ejaculatory intensity and strength. The further observation of ejaculation can also be visually satisfying for the male.

Christian men differ from those outside the faith in that they can choose to focus their conscious mind and thoughts during masturbation on Godly things and that is how masturbation can be sanctified and blessed by God. The process of masturbation and the reasons for it are different from women than for men. This is briefly explored below but the next part of this series goes into more depth of the explanations about how Christian women view masturbation and what it achieves for them,

Both guys and gals need to use masturbation in order to maintain sexual purity especially when single. The sexuality of human males and females is somewhat different as there are more complexities involved for women, who have more body parts and systems involved with their sexuality, and who therefore receive a constant stream of negative internal and external messages about femininity. However, this doesn’t mean that men aren’t placed under sexual pressure. It is therefore important that both men and women of godly character take the opportunity for solo masturbation as an act of worship and as an act of personal devotion in consecrating their genitals for godly service. We have previously stated our perspective that masturbation is a form of sexual therapy and that there is benefit in receiving this therapy on a regular basis. Depending on their situations both men and women will benefit from using masturbation in this way.

Apart from masturbating to resolve sexual pressures and negative messages as mentioned above. we believe it is also highly beneficial in the recovery of individuals from sexual abuse and addiction. These days with the widespread availability of pornographic materials, and the sad reality that abuse and violence in society is overwhelmingly carried out by males against females, these issues are far more common than they once were. We are currently working with individuals making a successful recovery from pornographic addiction using masturbation as a therapy. We highly commend the use of masturbation in a godly context for personal resolution of these challenges which the Church currently struggles to acknowledge and address.

Recap 2019/06

In the past few months we have been working on the Sexuality For Singles series and this is building on previous content we have authored and posted to the site, especially content related to masturbation. This recap is brief and just explains where that series has had several parts of it withdrawn and replaced by new parts. When we have felt inspired to add a new part, we haven’t always known that we would subsequently get new insight into the area covered by the part. This simply happens because our ministry is constantly being developed and expanded and with it comes new knowledge that is relevant to a part that is already produced.

Because of this there are further revisions coming to the Sexuality For Singles series in the coming days and possibly even it will be the third revision of a particular part. This series has been and is very important because we have this growing awareness of the important contribution that masturbation makes to the development of our sexuality. This development starts at adolescence and, we believe, continues throughout life, rather than being finished at the arrival of adulthood. For a godly man or woman, masturbation is one of the most important tools they can have to support this development, and it takes on a special significance for men because of the huge responsibility they have to discipline their sexuality and devote it fully to God in His service and to the holy sanctified and sacrificial service of their wives and families. We started writing the SFS series mostly with a female perspective but in the last week there has been a shift in our ministry with a lot more knowledge relating to the male perspective added. This has resulted in Part E being rewritten four times.

 

Masturbation During Pregnancy

This is a topic we’ve touched on before. We are drawing information from some third party websites as well as offering some insights of our own. It has become a particular focus for us recently in supporting some pregnant women in our community.

Sex in the context of pregnancy isn’t solely limited to the act that began the pregnancy, and there is plenty of support for views that a healthy amount of sex during the pregnancy is quite beneficial. However a key challenge for pregnant mothers is maintaining enough sexual desire for the husband to have regular intercourse throughout pregnancy. It’s not particularly unusual for a pregnant wife to lose the desire for her husband whilst at the same time becoming increasingly horny due to changes in hormones, blood flow and other factors. During third trimester in particular, sexual intercourse can also become physically awkward due to the growing size of the pregnant belly. Some men can also lose physical desire for their wife during pregnancy. Because of these reasons, masturbation may become the preferable option for satisfying sexual desire consistently throughout the pregnancy. Because masturbation has other benefits that are of the type outlined in the MFC101 series, this article focuses primarily on masturbation rather than sexual intercourse.

The key benefits of masturbation during pregnancy are outlined below. It’s useful to remember that what is good for the mother is usually good for her baby as well, therefore masturbation can actually be positive for the baby’s development as well as helping her to overcome the various strains and struggles of those nine months.

  • Helps to reduce stress and increase relaxation after orgasm by releasing oxytocin
  • Increased orgasmic pleasure
  • Natural pain relief from morning sickness etc
  • Helps to make sleep easier due to release of endorphins and lowering blood pressure
  • Helps to strengthen pelvic floor for easier labour
  • Helps restores female sexuality and self image that can be damaged due to physical changes in appearance, size etc. A woman can feel sexy again when she can experience sexual pleasure and orgasm.

Masturbation has the advantage that it can be scheduled at any convenient time and is especially helpful for mothers who need to masturbate throughout the day rather than being limited by husband’s availability and stamina. Masturbation is also beneficial for the reasons outlined in our Masturbation For Christians 101 Series in the particular circumstances where a woman needs to reconnect herself with her own body or to have her own space to focus on her own issues, rather than sharing her body with her husband for the sexual encounter. During the six week post natal recovery period when sexual intercourse is medically proscribed, this is particularly important, as it is also a great opportunity for a woman to restore her personal sexual development after the challenges that have occurred during the pregnancy and birth.

In addition to all of the previously documented benefits, one that does specifically accrue to masturbation for a pregnant woman is the act of rubbing her belly, something that has been proven to specifically increase her sense of physical connection with and love of her unborn child. During masturbation, rubbing her pregnant belly can be very beneficial for increasing her arousal and pleasure, therefore being another situation in which the act of masturbation is actually physically beneficial for the baby.

In totality, everything that a mother does during pregnancy has to be considered for its ability to benefit and support her unborn child, and in terms of a godly mandate to lay down our lives in service of others, it is appropriate in a faith context to consider how the development of the baby can be enhanced by making this a greater priority than the mother’s own needs. Given that there are provable benefits to fetal development from masturbating during pregnancy, it is highly beneficial for a pregnant mother to focus her thoughts and prayers on “servicing her womb” or providing for her baby’s needs during masturbation, and this change of focus can make the act of masturbation that much more fulfilling to her, especially from a faith perspective.

We are considering at the moment whether to add another article or two in exploring this subject further to the MFC101 series, or perhaps a different series on procreation sexuality.